new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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