I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
