i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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