so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
