haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
