you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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