My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
