So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize