The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
