jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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