I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize