Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
