Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
