I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's never too late to be topless.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
