i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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