ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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