Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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