Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
