Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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