I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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