Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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