I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
