i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
