rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
