Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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