Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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