You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
