Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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