Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
