WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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