I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
