Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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