I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i drank out of a bidet.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize