omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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