from now on my penis is your penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
