big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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