i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
