4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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