Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
