I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
