I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
