she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
