i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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