Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
