my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
