I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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