I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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