tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
