my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
