ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
my poor anus
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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