his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
