i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
