So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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