I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
