I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
