I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
