Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
True strength comes from lack of pants
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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