someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
