i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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