If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
