Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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