How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
