if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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