i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
