i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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