Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Houston, we have a blender
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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