chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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