On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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