she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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