how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
