martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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