I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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