I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
